To Love, Cherish and Obey
Eight days ago, my little brother and his bride were married in a very traditional, beautiful, English ceremony. The wedding was traditionally not too long, but had a very personal, more modern message given by my brother’s former pastor. The vows were traditional, and traditionally said. The music was a combination of traditional “How Great Thou Art” (that the band nearly killed) and modern “Here I am to Worship”. It was an honor to be a part of it. Emotional as it was!
Beautiful as the wedding was, I was disturbed by some of the things that were said on the day.
First of all, the bride vowed to love, cherish and obey her husband. What’s your problem with that? I got asked by women who wouldn’t fall into the category of obedient wives (they have pursued their careers and not always dropped everything for their husbands).
The bride’s mother admitted to regretting having made that vow from the day she made it!
The bride chuckled when she said “obey”. Afterwards, when I asked her, she said she’d forgotten she had to say it.
The woman we stayed with said she has no problem with it, but at the same time, she will comment on how submissive and subservient some women are, and how crushed they seem.
Do you see what I see? The bride forgot she had to vow obedience.
The bride’s mother regrets having vowed obedience.
Our host considers obedient wives to be crushed.
All three people had no problem with the vow.
The bride’s father was all for it, but commented on how harder it is to actually keep it, but his daughter will probably have it easy with the man she married.
I disagree with him. I don’t believe wives are required to vow obedience to their husbands, at least not by God. The church has required it, men have taken advantage of this, but that doesn’t make it God’s law.
I think marriage vows are not to be taken lightly. It’s all right to use traditional vows, but couples should be making those vows consciously, solemnly, as promises made for life, before God.
I remember the day I got married. I wrote my own vows, based on what Ephesians 5 has to say, but I also remember adding words I believed were expected from me. I made the vows I thought others wanted to hear, the ones I thought were expected from me, not the ones I had on my heart.
I’ve wished I could rewind back to that day and rewrite my vows. I wish I could personalize them to be what I would have said, to express my commitment the way I understand marriage instead of saying what my Bible College teacher would have me say.
Wedding vows are said once, and they are important. I think we need to get them right.
Another set of incidents were even more disturbing, and, ironically, they are predicting the bride’s failure to keep her own vows!
A few people who should have been speaking encouragingly about the bride made some very snide and negative comments about her character.
- One person told the groom to “stay in the spirit” when dealing with his new wife. She would want to have her way, just stay in the spirit.
- Another person commented on her strong will regarding the wedding and the house she wanted decorated just so.
- Another person had to comment on the (very young) bride’s hesitation when my brother first asked her out. She turned him down two or three times, and he was very sad. People acknowledged his persevering love for his bride, but nobody stood up to acknowledge her love for him! Why?
At the end of the speeches, she sang a beautiful country song to him that said If I had only one friend left, I’d want it to be you. She said she felt the need to tell all the guests, once more, that she really loves her husband and is very grateful for the hard work he put into the house they are moving into.
No bride should have to defend herself on her wedding day. No bride should have to publicly declare she really loves her husband. No bride should be put down the way she was. On her wedding day.
Later, our host told me she would have walked out if peole had made such comments about her on her wedding day. I think I would have been in tears.
My brother has a remarkable wife. She loves the Lord, and she loves people. She used to babysit for me, always for free. She has already shown love and dedication to her husband! He broke his leg three summers ago, before they were together or he even asked her out, and she took him to all his doctor appointments, visited him daily, went grocery shopping for him, and just kept him company when he was pretty much house bound for a few weeks. I don’t doubt my little brother is married to a woman who loves him.